Sunday, August 05, 2007

I Have A Gleam

You all know about the gleam--that uber whiteness that by which my Canadian Iron Hero is seen from deep space. His influence is undoubtedly the source for the pasty fashionistas now sweeping the country. Pale is the new tan. (All rights reserved 2007 by Greyhound Enterprises. Absolutlely no use without the express written consent of Greyound Enterprises LLC). It's going to be a thing.

And while he is notable west of the Mississippi for some intense gleamage, he does not have the Western United States monopoly on the gleam. I, too, have some mighty fine gleam action. Notwithstanding a smidge of Cherokee heritage that colors in the sun, I gleam on the inside. To wit:

I am a professionally trained musician, but I can't improvise.

I have rhythm, but only if the music was written in the Western European, classical tradition.

My hips don't lie. In fact, they don't move at all.

I'm so inhibited, that my inhibitions have inhibitions.

With inhibitions on inhibitions, and hips that are always ramrod straight, I can't dance. Not even a little. (Mrs. Greyhound has never been dancing in 18 years of marriage. She is a local object of pity.)

I am: White.And.Nerdy. WASP to the core.

But when you work out in South Texas, you need artificial help to keep the gleam on the outside as lilly white as the gleam on the inside. This week, I employed two new pieces of equipment that I HIGHLY recommend on my mega 112 mile ride in the South Texas heat. This equipment is so remakable that I hereby nominate them for Graig's List. BEHOLD:

FTJ7-2
The De Soto Forza Skin Tri Jersey. And, to cover those muscly and yet pasty arms:



DSCWG_X
De Soto Cool Wings.

These remarkable, space age fabrics not only block out damaging UV rays, they are actually cooler than going naked on the bike.

Not that I've ever . . . but I digress.

These devices promote such efficient evaporation that even when you ride your bike in the mouth of the dragon like I do, it was downright chilly.

OK, that's a lie. It was incredibily hot, but I did ride 112 miles where the heat off the pavement reached 100 degrees, averaged 17.5 mph while moving, kept my heartrate average at 124, and was totally ready to run when I finished. If it is hot in Wisconsin, THIS is how I'll roll.

This equipment will revolutionize triathlon in the South. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a gleam. It is a gleam deeply rooted in the American gleam.

I have a gleam that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "Use your sunblock."

I have a gleam that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former Canadians and the sons of former Texans will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a gleam that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of . . . uhm, heat, sweltering with the heat of really hot heat, will be transformed into an oasis of cool winds.

I have a gleam that my little daughter will one day live in a nation where she will not be judged by the spf of her sun screen but by the brightness of her gleam.

I have a gleam today.

Let's see the gleam, from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let's see the gleam, from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let's see the gleam from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let's see the gleam from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let's see the gleam from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let's see the gleam.

25 comments:

Andra Sue said...

That arm coverer-thing kinda looks like a "shrug" to me...are you sure you didn't get it at Nordstrom? :-)

Spokane Al said...

I'll buy into your gleam ideas, just as long as, like you, I don't have to dance.

DV said...

i think i left my gleam on lookout mtn yesterday...

interesting post... you and bigun ought to get together and find wierd al's agent - there's a future here...

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

hey gleamdude - those "cool wing" things are a bolero for dudes -
http://www.terrybicycles.com/detail.html?item_no=1964

it's all in the marketing.

heh.

21stCenturyMom said...

Sweet gkeams til sun beams find you

sweet gleams that leave our worries behind you.
But in your gleams
whatever they be

gleam a little gleam of me.

LBTEPA said...

Thanks! I just snorted tea out my nose from laughing at that

Brent Buckner said...

Gear!!

Bigun said...

you can't dance, but you can sing...oh, canada...

a.maria said...

just say no to the gleam!

mishele k said...

So the coolwings work, huh? I was wondering about that. I bought Kathleen a pair this spring, but I think she won't wear them on account of the unsightly tan lines they will produce. Maybe I'll ask for a pair for le holidays...

IM Able said...

I'm sorry, but...Forza Skin? No, really...Forza Skin?

Did *anybody* on that marketing team say the name outload before going to production?????

21stCenturyMom said...

OMG- I went to look up that shirt and look where I found it:
http://www.nytro.com/De_Soto_Forza_Skin_Cooler_Tri_Jersey_p/ftj7.htm

coincidence? I think not.

tri-dogmom said...

A friend/team member of ours bought the "Arm Coolers" and did a product review on our website. you can check it out at
www.allthingstriathlon.com

Allez said...

Its a men's bolero! Did you get some man capris to go with it too? :-)

Carrie said...

Dude--with 9% body fat, you'll be gleaming in anything!!!

Amy said...

Forza Skin??!!! Am I the only one who giggled at that as I made the Freudian slip when I read it?

And it's totally a shrug. The kind I want to knit myself to go with my party dress for when it's nippy out. I could send you a pair of manpris from Brian's wardrobe that would match nicely. Then get yourself some mandles. Maybe a merse too.

JohnnyTri said...

hey those arm thingys look alright.. might have to chkem out.

yeah IM Able.. the name is funny!

good job on the 112 ride this weekend, it was HOT!

rockon`

Mallie said...

I have to admit I've really got no gleam! Serious biking tanlines on this girl! Great post. You waxed quite poetic.

Tea said...

Are women allowed to wear the Forza Skin? That just seems wrong.

Oh, and I have the Colorado gleam TOTALLY covered. No need to call on the "friend" (who shall remain nameless but goes by Bolder) for help.

Coach Tammy said...

Hmm... well this Irish gal actually has a little tan from the HOT Seattle summer (hit 90 once!!), but hey, can I borrow your gleam for the Triple H? hehe.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

mwa ha ha hahaha...

forza skin..hee hee...

TriBoomer said...

Forzaskin? Hmmmm... does one of those come with a briss? Oyh!

Stay tuned...

Bolder said...

i had a gleam.

i'm just sayin'.

Iron Girl Nyhus said...

Those look a little girly too me... I say its a shrug too.

Fe-lady said...

yeah, what Andra Sure said..It was my first thought!
A SHRUG! Very "in" last fall.
Looks like something Boulder might buy-quite the fashion statement, but I know, I know it has it's purpose!