Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Diplomatic Crisis

I'm a lover, not a fighter. So, with all the chaos and conflict on our blue planet, who would have thought that I'd spark hostility? And from all places, who would have thought it would come from our little sibling to the north? Since when does Canada lob missles over the border at us? Well, it has, and it has sparked a diplomatic crisis of blogospheric proportions.

A certain person has recently posted how she's going to "kick greyhound's a$$," at a certain, harmless little 70.3 event coming up. Prior to this, that certain person has signaled her availability on the instant messenger with the tag that she's going to "kick" or "beat" or "whip" greyhound or his "butt" or "a$$" or some other anatomical region.

Like I say, I'm a lover, not a fighter. I don't have a history of picking on girls or pulling pigtails. I have no idea what would have prompted this act of aggression. This is not to say that my hindquarters have not, in the past, been the subject of female attention and admiration, but that is an entirely different post.

This certain person's agresssion is all the more confusing because her aspirations clearly ought to be much higher than beating on lil' ol' me. I'm what Bolder calls, "an endurance toddler." I only have a few years of training to layer on the aerobic base needed for long course triathlon. This certain person, however, is older than me. Much MUCH older.

I don't mean that kind of older, I mean this kind of older--that certain person has more years of endurance training.

Well, OK, she is older than me, but that's beside the point.

Beyond mere endurance training, I'm an untouched, innocent, naive Ironman virgin. This certain person is experienced--really REALLY experienced.

I don't mean that kind of experienced, I mean this kind of experienced--this certain person has multiple Ironman finishes to her credit. Me, not so much.

Just on the raw numbers, this certain person has done an HIM 12 minutes faster than I ever have.

So, you see, it's really not fair to lil' ol' me if I race this certain person straight up.

Perhaps the fairest, and most diplomatic compromise would be to see who manages the best percentage of their HIM PR time--whether or not we are able to improve those times on this relatively difficult course. Then, in the true sense of triathlon, we would be racing ourselves.

If I lose, I am willing sing "O Canada," bedecked in maple leaf garb, in my finest voice, for the entire blogosphere. If I win, I think that certain person ought to favor us with a respectful rendition of the "Star Spangled Banner" or perhaps "Deep In The Heart Of Texas."

That's fair, right?


Shelley said...

What kind of pansy talk is this?? % of best HIM time..come on..that's just crazy talk. I say either you beat me fair and square or you don't?????? I can bring some great Canuck gear for ya to wear whilst you sing your great rendition of my most excellent anthem!!

Brent Buckner said...

% of best HIM time is incredibly biased in favour of the less experienced - by design we're sure

TriBoomer said...

Hmmmmmm... I think it's going to be straight up chrono y chrono on this one, dawg.

I predict a close race sooooo... both of you should practice y'alls singing, eh?

21stCenturyMom said...

Vewy clever, Greyhound - that % improvement thing. Like a newbie isn't 100% more likely to have a dramatic improvement over a seasoned athlete. Do I detect fear in your challenge?? hmmmm????!!!!

You can always cry uncle and blame Canada, you know.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

oh I totally think that's fair.

I'm pulling up a chair.

I'll see both of youse there, by the way. And you'll probly both kick my a$$.

Terra said...

I couldn't find your email- but the best place probably to do a brick early am is around the Veloway/South Mopac in Austin. The veloway is a 5k loop only for bikes/rollers. It will be dark due to tree cover- a bike light would make it do-able. Then you can run around the neighborhood next to the parking or in Circle C across Mopac. It is a safe area for sure. S Mopac is an 8 mile loop out/back with shoulder that can be used when the sun comes up around 6:40ish. Hope that helps. See ya in Lubbock

Joe V said...

Hmmm... I'm gonna have to go with Grey on this one. Not cause I really agree, but I just feel contrarian today. ;)

TRI Vortex said...

Not this older, but that older. Now thats comedy. Hey stop picking on the French Canadian, they already have to deal with Celine Dion. Sorry, but I'm going to have to go with a straight up race, chip vs chip. Lets get ready to RRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tri-mama said...

Not that you would be the type to kick a person while they are down, but she did just finish an ironman-albeit over 3 days- I'd throw your voice on the table, and if you're really worried, you can always employ more confusing lawyer talk about %'s etc. then we'll never know who won.

Nytro said...

wait a second... you're backing down... to a chick? where was all this "i'm an endurance toddler" talk when you wanted to race ME? Me! Who has been doing endurance triathlon for an even SHORTER time than you?

You'd better cowboy up, Greyhound. That chica's got game.

Oh, and rumor has it that once you hit 40, age doesn't really matter. I can say this because I'm soooo not 40... yet.

But, uh, you might want to think twice about pointing out a woman's age. It's second only to pointing out their weight in the taking of your own life in your hands .

OH! And speaking of weight, a real fair contest between you and I last year should have been a bet that factored in weight AND time spent in endurance sport.

Not that I'm bitter... cuz I still beat you. Cuz you were "hurt"... Although, I still think that's suspect as you seemed to conveniently injur your neck shortly after I posted a picture of my arse online.

That's all I'm saying.... perhaps Shelley should post a picture of HER arse... Game. Over.

Spherical frictionless chicken? HA! I spit on you!


Wendy said...

Oooooooooh. Smackage!!!!!!

Amy said...

You could try handicapping in some way. And no... flattening her tire in transition doesn't count as handicapping.

ironjenny said...

I don't know Greyhound. If Kona Shelly took me on I'd cave BEFORE even posting about it. I'd rather be her cheerleader/ support car driver than her oppnent, any day!
Ever. In a million years.
I say you send some nice congratulatory jewelry and call it a day.

Bigun said...

Hey Greyhound - waddaya say to French Canadian Woman with two black eyes? Nothing; you already said it twice.

Time to cinch up that bow tie and turn those legs over - I got a feeling you're in for a long, hard day.

Shelley said...

YAH!! What Ironjenny said..LOL