Sunday, July 29, 2007

Dark

I like this blog to be a place people want to stop by--something funny or profound or creative. But I haven't been able to write anything like that in the past few days. At the risk of sounding way too self-absorbed, I'm going to risk a little honesty. If it starts to bum you out, just move on. I'll be better in a couple of days.

I'm writing about not being able to write, and it's weird. The rational part of me knows exactly what is happening, yet the other part of me is experiencing it for real, without analysis.

I'm very, very dark right now. At three o'clock in the afternoon, I wish it was night, and when it is night, I can' sleep. I'm down. Listless. Depressed. Lonely.

It's not hard for the analytical side to see why. I'm alone and probably flirting with overtraining. Combine those two and depression is close at hand.

I've gone from vacation, with family, surrounded by friends, to comparative isolation. Mrs. Greyhound and Superpounce are still away--and will be away for another two weeks. Because they're gone, I have to take care of the dogs, meaning I can't jump in the car at 0400 and go to the gym to see Maria Gratia and my friends. Instead, I'm on the trainer in the morning, alone in a silent house. Or I'm running alone in a darkened neighborhood. On the weekends, I've been riding and swimming alone.

I got to run twice this weekend and hang out with Coach T and her main squeeze Scuba Steve, and it was when I was again alone that I realized how starved for human contact I am. Now she's traveling for the next two weeks, and that outlet is gone as well.

Knowing why I am feeling what I'm feeling, however, does not avoid feeling it. I know that lots of other people live alone and manage quite nicely. I don't know how you do it.

I suppose covering the miles alone inside your head is part of Ironman, but I'll be glad when this part is over.

15 comments:

GeekGirl said...

I've heard this from Baboo, too, that he hates being alone...It's funny, sometimes in the midst of family chaos, I fantasize about it, but then when I'm alone for a day or so because of cercumstances, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.

Sascha said...

I get that melancholy sometimes when I'm traveling for work and I vow to myself to be extra appreciative of the people I'm close to when I get home. Sometimes I remember that and sometimes I don't and sometimes I don't want them to know I missed them so badly. When you're training for endurance, it's hard not to focus on stuff like that because you've got lots of time to think. Just be sure and remember this feeling when the noise and chaos are driving you crazy next month :)

Jane said...

No deep analysis here, but you just miss your wife and daughter, and I bet that when you train, you come home and report that you did a gazillion miles and they support you and now you don't have that.
You shouldn't feel obligated that you have to be particularly witty or profound in every blog post. In fact, now that you are alone, you should probably you your blog to do just that: just to report your training and others can say good job that you are working so hard. Well, I am in Houston if you want train and the bonus is I will make you feel FAST. No, I mean really, really fast. I mean you could hop-on-one-foot-and-juggle knives-whilst-singing-fast-rap-songs-and-still-keep-up-with-my-running fast

Brent Buckner said...

Hey, if the dark is happening, we want to know - and you blogging it may help other folks keep their own feelings in context.

Carrie said...

You know what?? Besides your family,you probably also desperately need a night off from thinking and pondering Ironman at all hours. Catch a movie this week, go see some live music--anything that is NOT Ironman!!

momo said...

i agree with carrie, take an ironman-free day. your mind needs it and your body will relish it.

i had these same feelings before my last im, big j and the kids were gone and i was entering the last tough week and the start of my taper and i was in my head A LOT. sometimes its good and sometimes, its just too much.

hang in there, greyhound, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. the family will get home and immoo will come.

then you get to do it allover again for cda. :-)

Bigun said...

I feel ya - a week without Mrs. Bigun was all I could take - you don't have to write great every time ya know...that's way, way too much pressure.

21stCenturyMom said...

You went from being surrounded by love and fun and vacation hilarity to being all alone with a crushing training plan. I'd be down, too.

The good news is that it is a finite problem. I totally agree with the go to the movies plan (and do not substitute drink heavily with buddies for that - alcohol will just depress you more) and have some fun. Pretty soon the ladies will be home and you will be happy again. Yay!

JohnnyTri said...

Hey G-dog I'll ride wit ya! I'm just down the street in H-twn and seems like every weekend I am heading out to Brookshire or Chappell Hill.. let me know!

BTW, where do you all ride up there in the Woodlands?

hang in there, Mrs. G-dog will be back soon..

rockon`

Andra Sue said...

Don't feel bad about feeling bad. It's freaking HARD to train alone day in and day out. Any one of us would feel the same way, and we often do. Last week I was in a complete and total funk...then I had an awesome training weekend. The main difference? A little social contact and meeting my own expectations. You'll be on the upswing before you know it...go see that Rat movie, I hear it's way funny. :-)

Bolder said...

i see nothing but sunny skies in two weeks...

no worries.

Nytro said...

god... you have no idea how with you i am on this. "knowing why i am feeling what i'm feeling doe not avoid feeling it." and THAT, my dear greyhound, is the story of my hormonally imbalanced life. how about the other day after a bike ride i started crying? yep. i should have been endorphinated. if only. i feel your pain (for different reasons, but pain nonetheless).

feel better, bud.

Wendy said...

What I know intellectually is not the same as what I feel emotionally. Not even close. But the feeling of it is important. Acknowledging the emotions is important. Burying the feelings usually finds them bubbling up another time when you least expect it with more power than they had in the first place. Take solace in the fact that you have friends and family who understand, and will help you move through it. Because there is light not far ahead ...

Triteacher said...

(((Greyhound))) Glad you can reach out to your virtual friends. It's at least sooome human contact. :)

Jessi said...

Hang in there greyhound! Blogland is here for you! :)