Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Stocking Stuffers For The Guy Who Has Everything (Or At Least Thinks He Does)

Ok, ladies. Now that I've got your attention, a bit of a warning. This post contains information of a frank and sensitive nature. Reader discretion is advised.

Oh, we got trouble. Right here in the Bayou City, and elsewhere I suspect. It is trouble that can only be remedied by the women in our lives. Thus, I call upon you fair and gentle women of the blogosphere--yea I beseech, verily I beg you--help us solve a pervasive problem.
I have long tried to ignore the problem, thinking it might go away or fix itself. But it seems to be getting worse, especially during this time of year when the average waist line enlarges and many of those enlarging waists start joining gyms--including my gym--the Greatest Health Club On The Planet.
What is this scourge, this pox upon our workout facilities? At this point, sensitive readers are warned once again, take heed. The problem is . . . .

Yes. There. I said it. Those little briefs that used to cup your little bum when you were 8 years old and had little toothpick legs ARE NOT doing the trick now that you are pushing forty (or fifty), pushing two (or three) bills on the scales, and pushing body hair like a primate with a thyroid condition.

Ladies. Your men are apparently oblivious to the problem, because my locker room witnesses a parade of thinly concealed and tightly contained flesh having the appearance of cottage cheese with fur. We.Need.Coverage.

For the love of all that is wholesome, please, please, please, raid your man's drawer full of drawers. Confiscate anything resembling a brief, as well as any other thing bearing the same waist measurement as when you married the galoot. Put them to the flame and consign them to the hell from whence they came.

Visit Target. Obtain boxer briefs or boxers in the appropriate waist measurement, stuff his stocking and fill his world (and ours) with the joy of leaving something to the imagination.

In chatting with Nytro this afternoon while we were "working," she and I collaborated on further stocking stuffer suggestions:

  • Nose hair clips
  • A visit to the man spa (wax on/wax off)
  • A sweat towel that is permanently attached to your person while you are pumping your iron, the better to conserve the gym equipment with
  • A bath towel that is permanently attached to your person while your person is anywhere in the locker room other than the shower
  • Something--anything--capable of removing 80s cologne
  • Bolt cutters to remove those 80s gold chains
  • A visit to the man barber to remove that 80s 'stache and feathered hairdo
  • Appropriately sized undershirts that are not intended to act in lieu of the "mansierre" or "bro"
No need to thank me. I'm just here to help. Any additional suggestions for the guy who thinks he has everything will be welcomed in the comment section.

17 comments:

Nytro said...

this just further proves that you and i are geniuses.

mishele k said...

I'm buying what you're selling. Why can't people wipe off their machines at the gym? If they're grossed out by their own sweat how should I feel about it?

Spread the gospel Greyhound (+ Nytro)!

Sascha said...

we chicks walk around starkers in my locker room all the time. Why should the guys have to cover up?

But on the same token, please help them wear shorts that keep their butt crack from showing on the sit down machines!

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

Dang...I wish I was "working'...

I call them Manties. I bought my husband some Manties from Tar-zhay, they look tres very sexay.

Le Hub is getting a brand new shuffle from Santa in his stocking. Santa even loaded up some tunes. Isn't Santa good?

I suppose it's only fair, since Santa got Carbon for x-mas.

21st Century Mom said...

One of the many reasons I'm glad I don't belong to a gym. On the other hand, some of the guys there look like your picture, right? I could stand to watch some of that -butt crack and all.

Flatman said...

Yep. I third the motion...

Oh, and I like to call the 80's mustache the porn 'stache. :)

ironjenny said...

Greyhound you're so funny - I was dying over here!
I am going to get Bob the shorts that make him resemble the guy in the photo....
teh-heh.
Hope that doesn't make him expect me to resemble anybody on the girl-panties box... OK - changed my mind - he's getting something safe like an ipod....
Jenny

Iron Benny said...

Is there some sort of a cream I can put on my legs, because this shaving business is taking waaaay too long. I know it's not suppossed to take 45 minutes, but I'm a perfectionist.

Trevor Oseen said...

Geez, as I first opened your blog I was scared but I will have to agree with you after I got passed the intial shock!

Great blog!

TO

TriSaraTops said...

Ew! I thought it was just at my local YMCA.

EW. Yeah, I second EVERYTHING.

Nytro said...

didn't we also talk about some sort of a garterbelt for the big boys in the yoga class? or was that just in my head?

TriBoomer said...

How did you get a copy of my American Idol press photo?

Triteacher said...

This is really too funny... I just posted on a visual I saw in the women's locker room tonight ("Peplum" post)... Rest assured, it works both ways!

Shelley said...

HAWT PIC...what we're you talking about again?? HAWT PIC!!

tri-mama said...

You have no idea....try working at a club for a week. I think we should sell those briefs at the member services desk. Please for the love of humanity, no worn through spandex, and no, no, no neon!

Allez said...

That picture caught me... I'm a boxer brief fan.

Bolder said...

technical fabrics on the upper.

this goes for the ladies too.

no COTTON!

i don't really need to see that, and neither does anyone else...