Stocking Stuffers For The Guy Who Has Everything (Or At Least Thinks He Does)

Ok, ladies. Now that I've got your attention, a bit of a warning. This post contains information of a frank and sensitive nature. Reader discretion is advised.

Oh, we got trouble. Right here in the Bayou City, and elsewhere I suspect. It is trouble that can only be remedied by the women in our lives. Thus, I call upon you fair and gentle women of the blogosphere--yea I beseech, verily I beg you--help us solve a pervasive problem.

I have long tried to ignore the problem, thinking it might go away or fix itself. But it seems to be getting worse, especially during this time of year when the average waist line enlarges and many of those enlarging waists start joining gyms--including my gym--the Greatest Health Club On The Planet.

What is this scourge, this pox upon our workout facilities? At this point, sensitive readers are warned once again, take heed. The problem is . . . .

* * *Tighty Whities* * *

Yes. There. I said it. Those little briefs that used to cup your little bum when you were 8 years old and had little toothpick legs ARE NOT doing the trick now that you are pushing forty (or fifty), pushing two (or three) bills on the scales, and pushing body hair like a primate with a thyroid condition.

Ladies. Your men are apparently oblivious to the problem, because my locker room witnesses a parade of thinly concealed and tightly contained flesh having the appearance of cottage cheese with fur. We.Need.Coverage.

For the love of all that is wholesome, please, please, please, raid your man's drawer full of drawers. Confiscate anything resembling a brief, as well as any other thing bearing the same waist measurement as when you married the galoot. Put them to the flame and consign them to the hell from whence they came.

Visit Target. Obtain boxer briefs or boxers in the appropriate waist measurement, stuff his stocking and fill his world (and ours) with the joy of leaving something to the imagination.

In chatting with Nytro this afternoon while we were "working," she and I collaborated on further stocking stuffer suggestions:

• Nose hair clips
• A visit to the man spa (wax on/wax off)
• A sweat towel that is permanently attached to your person while you are pumping your iron, the better to conserve the gym equipment with
• A bath towel that is permanently attached to your person while your person is anywhere in the locker room other than the shower
• Something--anything--capable of removing 80s cologne
• Bolt cutters to remove those 80s gold chains
• A visit to the man barber to remove that 80s 'stache and feathered hairdo
• Appropriately sized undershirts that are not intended to act in lieu of the "mansierre" or "bro"

No need to thank me. I'm just here to help. Any additional suggestions for the guy who thinks he has everything will be welcomed in the comment section.