Friday, February 08, 2008

Enough With The Drama


TO: Lower Muscular-skeletal System

FROM: Management (Brain, Heart and Spirit)

RE: Persistent System Failures

DATE: February 8, 2008

As the Greyhound nears the end of base period, management feels the need to evaluate the performance of the various parts of this Ironman effort and to address what management feels are weak links in the chain. That evaluation has been performed and the purpose of this memorandum is to inform you of certain deficiencies that management feels must be remedied.

Management is of the opinion that the physical plant of the lower, left side has not been performing in a satisfactory manner. Management is of the considered opinion that demands upon the system have not be excessive. On the contrary, appropriate amounts of stress have been followed with appropriate amounts of rest, recovery and nutrition. Nevertheless, the lower left part of the Greyhound has been in a persistent state of complaint and now of failure.

Before the Ironman program began, it was the upper hamstring, otherwise known as the ass. Then, the hamstring proper and the calf on the left side. Now, perhaps as a result of strength training and quality run workouts, it is the connective tissue around the left hip that is refusing to perform as required. Such refusals can no longer be tolerated.

The vision of management is a youth-oriented program. As a result, spirit and heart are performing like that of a man in his mid-to-upper twenties. Not to be outdone, the mind appears to have regressed somewhat past the point of a college sophomore. (This is not altogether positive, in that such a mind dwells all to often on boobies and beer, but this shortcoming will be addressed by management at the proper time and place.)

The body, however, apparently did not receive the memo, because the left side in particular appears content with the standards one would expect of a senior citizen with a handicapped parking sticker. For the record, Greyhound likes to run, and it is the considered opinion of management that pool running and elliptical training sucks donkey balls.

Enough with the drama. There will be no prizes for overcoming injury, and the Greyhound does not seek to be considered as a "challenged" athlete. We expect all systems to perform with reasonable success when placed under reasonable demands.

And lest you be taking solace from the recent strike of unionized writers, please be reminded that this neither a democracy nor a union shop. Units of capital who chose to perform as expected will be rewarded. Those who do not, will receive the economic disincentives inherent in their free choices as market participants.

We are going to Ironman in June and you are coming. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You have one recovery week to figure out which way it is going to be.


Brent Buckner said...

Dang. If only I'd known we can fix these things with memos!

supalinds said...

Ughhhh...hopefully it gets the memo and gets with it.

Kim said...

pussy. sack up.

LBTEPA said...

Too funny! Get well soon :)

TriBoomer said...


To: Management of the Greyhound

From: The TriBoomer Bureau of Boobies and Beer

RE: Reminder

Date: Feb. 8, 2008

It's come to the attention of this bureau the Greyhound needs a reminder that everything goes better with cleavage... and if that doesn't work... more beer will make it appear everything is going to be fine.

So, buck up and motor boat with a lager.

Stay tuned...

tri-mama said...

go get a massage dude!

Rainmaker said...

Ha! Totally awesome! Well written. I know the feeling.

Rainmaker said...

Ha! Totally awesome! Well written. I know the feeling.

IronMatron said...

Maybe this is a balance thing--the mind who is focusing on beer and boobs must be tempered, and so the left side of the ass is countering by acting like a grampa. You know? Maybe if you got your mind out of the gutter things would just go back to the way they should be and all body parts would act their age?

21stCenturyMom said...

To: Management of the Greyhound

From: Greyhound's lower left quadrant (he he.. get it?)

RE: Word of the Day

Date: Feb. 8, 2008

It has come to our attention and we now bring it to yours - STRETCH! We will not be balked - we will not be ignored. You will institute a post work out stretching regime just as soon as we decide to get back in gear and indulge your training needs.

Now get in that water and jog - we like being on top for once.

Bill said...

Best of luck with that.

I'm now on week three of not running, for many of the same reasons. With a marathon scheduled in eight days.

As 21stcenturymom said, STRETCH. That and some roller work should help to loosen things up. It'll be slow going, but it's the right direction.

TriShannon said...

Love this post! Yoga my friend... it has done wonders for me over the past couple of months.

monica said...

if there's a "management" then you gotta manage. that includes running in water (as much as it sucks donkey balls), icing after all activities (which will freeze said donkey balls) and some sort of stretching routine be it a foam roller, yoga, or plain ol' body resistance work or a combo thereof. all that management is just as important as the stuff we think is the "real work." i'm learning that ironman really encompasses around 8 events: swim, bike, run, t1 & t2, nutrition, recovery, sleep, and body work (yoga, stretch, massage, etc.)

1HappyAthlete said...

LOL - great post

Tri to Be Funny said...

Perhaps your legs simply needed a mental health day! It works in most other corporations!!

Bigun said...

I still don't see the problem with boobies and beer. Nope, no problems there.