Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful




The Ironman tapeworm has officially arrived, and I am enjoying it too much to feel guilty about those who have sworn off Cadbury Eggs in favor of protein shakes.

I am always hungry and eat everything I can get my hands on--with some small effort to remain healthy. Even so, if it has calories and it's already dead, it is fair game. I may even start killing things and roasting them in my office if I can find somewhere online to buy a rotisserie spit that can be powered by a computer USB outlet.

Even with all this eating, I can't keep on the weight. I have now exhausted the smallest hole on my smallest belt that I bought during my first tri season after losing 30 pounds. The waist on my smallest suit is gapping. The sides of my trim-cut, tapered dress shirts are sagging over my belt like they're being worn by a cadaver.

And yet I can't buy smaller clothes because my shoulders and my quads and my glutes are larger while my belt-line is smaller.

I think Mrs. Greyhound is liking it, when I can stay awake.

And so, one of the side-effects of Ironman training is that the shy kid who never went out for sports because he loathed his own body and the thought of locker room nakedness terrified him
has become a wee bit more confident about his birthday suit.

Yet, it still came as a surprise when I was approached by a professor from the U0fH art department after swimming on campus. I guess I knew that the university used nude models to teach its art students about drawing, sculpting or photographing the human form. Still, I never thought I would be asked to disrobe.

She might have been flattering me, but she said my low percentage of body fat and muscular definition made me an ideal candidate, and she asked me to consider it. All sorts of questions immediately arise. Shave or wax or not? If so, shave what? What does it feel like to be naked in a room full of strangers? What if other things . . . er . . . arise?

But screw it. Enough with the habitrail and the cage. I told her I'd do it. So I need your advice on appearance, decorum, etc. I mean, I haven't thought about how "I" should look since the Second Reagan Administration before I got married.

And I'll post some of the artwork on my new blog, The Naked Greyhound.

26 comments:

monica said...

"Even with all this eating, I can't keep on the weight." I.HATE.YOU.

the naked greyhound. HA!!! i remember all the models we sketched in art school. none of them were as hawt as the greyhound. don't shave or wax. just be yourself. that's why she asked you to model. how cool!!!!

stronger said...

Ahhhh! I love it. Tip #1...don't lock your knees. I was in nude figure drawing class one day and the male model came crashing down from his pose...passed out cold on the floor. And we continued to draw. Ha! Not really- we were actually thankful for the 15 min break.

IM Able said...

Should things, er, arise... that would certainly lend more meaning to "still life."

(wink)

21stCenturyMom said...

I now, officially, hate you. I am hungry all the time and am NOT eating whatever is dead and the weight is coming off oooohhhh so slowly. Despicable.

Bigun said...

I think you should just post the pictures here on your "normal" blog, for all the world to see...

Brent Buckner said...

Nice endorsement!

Odysseus said...

You'd be a fool not to pose!!

Spokane Al said...

Wow - what an honor to be singled out as a hunk! There is hope for the rest of us.

a.maria said...

ok first of all you suck. not because you can eat whatever you want while you train.. who can't?... but because you even have the ABILITY to train. you're whether is allowing it.

for that.. you suck.

second of all... as an art student let me say... first off...

we see people of all sizes and shapes. you are the only one in the room cognizant of the fact that you're "naked". by this point in the semester students could not BE more over it. you're a subject, we have to draw you, who gives a crap?

so don't be self conscious.

two... practice posing positions which you can hold for XX minutes. TYPICALLY the beginning will start with 30 second poses, then move to 2 minute, then 15, then 30... who knows what yours will be like. (maybe ask the instructor beforehand?!)

but you're going to have to hold your pose and STAY THE EFF STILL so i'd practice a bit just to figure out what's comfortable.

and INTERESTING. there's nothing more annoying than a really uninteresting model.


(and the one time one of our male models got aroused he quickly put his robe on, left, and wasn't asked to come back.

... so no presure!)

Donald said...

This is classic! Definitely, go for it - if for nothing else than the unintentional comedy it will undoubtedly provide.

I don't notice any hair on David, do you? That's the way you should roll, dude ... smooth like marble.

I can't WAIT for this report.

Brian W said...

hmmmm...that date sure makes this a suspicious posting

Lana said...

This is most definitely podcast material. If I were you, I'd be expecting a call from Tacboy n' Bigun any day now.

Curly Su said...

yeah, not that i don't believe you were asked to pose...

but um...i know you...

and so i know this is a big april fools joke.

good one though.

:)

Bolder said...

you totally had me.

CSu was the spoiler.

i was planning on leaving you my own personal experiential advice, which, i will do anyway for my own amusement:

#1 Think about baseball. Not long hard bats baseball. More like, tediously long pitchers duels baseball.

#2 If that doesn't work, think about getting something slammed in a car door. That usually works for me.

#3 Finally, don't apologize for being large.

that's all i've got. but, it's a lot.

Nytro said...

poor, poor greyhound... CAN'T keep the weight on.

you're dead to me.

good luck with that nude model thingy... i hear that's great on a resume.

at the very least it's great fodder for your cadbury eating friends.

SWTrigal said...

I do hate you but am really jealous..I would probably faint if someone asked me to pose nude!
That's awesome!

Spokane Al said...

P.S. Happy April 1, and I trust that many will still consider you a hunk.

Fe-lady said...

April Fool....
But thanks for helping me justify having a beer with dinner (2 helpings) and then opening up the chips and dip for "dessert"-
and I am still hungry!

Where's the ice cream???? Going food hunting.....

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

oh, my.

yes, I was almost had as well. naked male model indeed. at least the art thing is tasteful - next time say you got recruited by the chippendales.

It could happen!

Nytro said...

dude... we did NOT even realize it was april fools today.

well done.

we applaud thee.

but, and we cannot state this more emphatically, if you ever were to pose nude... remember that if you accept money for it, that makes you a HO, BRO!

-Benny & Nytro

pinkgurugal said...

I'M BACK!!!!!! and i say shave it all !!

Jane said...

Awww, I totally fell for it.

21stCenturyMom said...

I can't believe people posted that they knew it was a joke! At least I had the decency to send an email.

You're so funny!

Supalinds said...

Funny, good thing I read this post April fool's day. Geez. I believed you, for a minute. But deep down inside I said to myself, "he is crazy."

I too have been eating anything and everything in sight. On Sunday I ate 3500 calories, like it was nothing. The only difference between you and me is that I'm not losing any weight, go figure? I hope you enjoy what most people never will. Sucka.

CoachLiz said...

wait...I won't get to see a nude greyhound?

bummer :(

Flatman said...

too funny....