My Secret Weapon

You all probably know by now that I was blogging here, minding my own business, when some brazen Iron Gawdess of the North starts hurling smack at me about Ironman 70.3, Buffalo Springs Lake. I suppose, from her point of view, there is valor in picking on someone who swims at least 10 minutes slower than she does and bikes at least 20 minutes slower she does, and whose PR is 12 minutes slower than hers, but I don't see it. To me, it's sort of like the 101st Airborne Division v. Canada (all of it; screaming eagles win). Or better yet, USA v. Canada in competitive eating. Not much of a contest. We rock at stuffing our faces and military conquest.

Second.To.None. Scoreboard.

I hold out only one hope of bettering Canada's Finest. Iron Canucky has been known to hammer the bike just a leeeeeetle bit. Canadians who commit similar pacing errors and then attempt to run in the full, Texas sun have been known to spontaneously combust.



(One, random Canadian participant in last year's race)

In short, I am hoping to use the temperature, and the fact that I train on the surface of the sun (i.e., Houston) to my advantage. Canadians, after all, are accustomed to much colder climes. I found this on the internet (so it must be true).

Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Canadians plant gardens.


40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Canadians Sunbathe.


35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)

Italian Cars won't start

Canadians drive with the windows down


32 Fahrenheit (0 C)

Distilled water freezes

Canadian water gets thicker.


0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadians have the last cookout of the season.


-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)

Hollywood disintegrates.

Canadians rent some videos.


-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)

Mt. St. Helen's freezes.

Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.


-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole

Canadians pull down their earflaps.


-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes.

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.

Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "


-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)

Hell freezes over.

The Leafs win the Cup



Of course the corollary to cold is heat. This is my own conversion chart:



Texas Temperature Conversion Chart

60 Farenheit (15 C)

Canadians begin to perspire.

Texans grab a sweater and a touk



70 Farenheit (21 C)

Canadians run the AC full blast

Texans turn off the furnace for the season



80 Farenheit (27 C)

Canadians declare a national health emergency and shuttle whole cities into socialist air conditioning shelters, for which one need only wait six weeks under the National Air Conditioning Administration.

Texans allow small children, the elderly and the infirm to have electric fans.



85 Farenheit (30 C)

Canadians swim only at night with 44 SPF suncreen and pine for the days when hockey will again be played on the lake.

Texans wonder whether it is warm enough to open the pool



90 Farenheit (32 C)

Canadians break out the eggs, their funny round bacon, and fry breakfast on the sidewalk

Texans break out the short sleaves



100 Farenheit (38 C)

Canadians have melted into a sweaty, beer-laden puddle, leaving behind only a mullet and a flannel undergarments

Texans perspire and wear wide brimmed hats



212 Farenheit (100 C)

Canadian water boils

Texas hot tub temperature



10,000 Farenheit (5537 C) (Sun's surface temperature)

Canadians incinerate

Texans remark, "Dang, Bubbah. It's gonna be a hot one today."



It matters not that Canada has been hotter than Lubbock these past two weeks. This is my only hope. You gotta have hope, right?