Tuesday, June 05, 2007

My Secret Weapon

You all probably know by now that I was blogging here, minding my own business, when some brazen Iron Gawdess of the North starts hurling smack at me about Ironman 70.3, Buffalo Springs Lake. I suppose, from her point of view, there is valor in picking on someone who swims at least 10 minutes slower than she does and bikes at least 20 minutes slower she does, and whose PR is 12 minutes slower than hers, but I don't see it. To me, it's sort of like the 101st Airborne Division v. Canada (all of it; screaming eagles win). Or better yet, USA v. Canada in competitive eating. Not much of a contest. We rock at stuffing our faces and military conquest.

Second.To.None. Scoreboard.

I hold out only one hope of bettering Canada's Finest. Iron Canucky has been known to hammer the bike just a leeeeeetle bit. Canadians who commit similar pacing errors and then attempt to run in the full, Texas sun have been known to spontaneously combust.

(One, random Canadian participant in last year's race)

In short, I am hoping to use the temperature, and the fact that I train on the surface of the sun (i.e., Houston) to my advantage. Canadians, after all, are accustomed to much colder climes. I found this on the internet (so it must be true).

Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Canadians plant gardens.

40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Canadians Sunbathe.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)

Italian Cars won't start

Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)

Distilled water freezes

Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)

Hollywood disintegrates.

Canadians rent some videos.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)

Mt. St. Helen's freezes.

Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole

Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes.

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.

Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)

Hell freezes over.

The Leafs win the Cup

Of course the corollary to cold is heat. This is my own conversion chart:

Texas Temperature Conversion Chart

60 Farenheit (15 C)

Canadians begin to perspire.

Texans grab a sweater and a touk

70 Farenheit (21 C)

Canadians run the AC full blast

Texans turn off the furnace for the season

80 Farenheit (27 C)

Canadians declare a national health emergency and shuttle whole cities into socialist air conditioning shelters, for which one need only wait six weeks under the National Air Conditioning Administration.

Texans allow small children, the elderly and the infirm to have electric fans.

85 Farenheit (30 C)

Canadians swim only at night with 44 SPF suncreen and pine for the days when hockey will again be played on the lake.

Texans wonder whether it is warm enough to open the pool

90 Farenheit (32 C)

Canadians break out the eggs, their funny round bacon, and fry breakfast on the sidewalk

Texans break out the short sleaves

100 Farenheit (38 C)

Canadians have melted into a sweaty, beer-laden puddle, leaving behind only a mullet and a flannel undergarments

Texans perspire and wear wide brimmed hats

212 Farenheit (100 C)

Canadian water boils

Texas hot tub temperature

10,000 Farenheit (5537 C) (Sun's surface temperature)

Canadians incinerate

Texans remark, "Dang, Bubbah. It's gonna be a hot one today."

It matters not that Canada has been hotter than Lubbock these past two weeks. This is my only hope. You gotta have hope, right?


a.maria said...


rock on texas, is all i gotta say!

Spokane Al said...

Hope and a smile - that will do it!

Wrenching Winz said...

Dont for get the texan ego. Its surpassed only by the size of the state itself.

Jane said...

This is hilarious!

Brent Buckner said...

I may never acclimatize to the local summer....

21stCenturyMom said...

Thank you for reminding me of why I'd rather go to Canada than Texas. Heat? Hell no!

I think you have a good point here - Shelly should start training in the sauna immediately.

Bigun said...

We must have some strange trade agreement with Canada these days; I haven't seen Canadian Bacon in years! I love that stuff! mmmmmmmm, canadian bacon....

GeekGirl said...

Y'all might wanna prepare a phrase book for your friends, too, sos they kin unnerstand the talk.
I'll be there, too! Not doing BSLT, of course. I'm not ThAT crazy. Not yet, anyway. I'm doing Tri-raider, so we'll be in the little transition ares stuffed off to the side, Baboo and I.

Lance Notstrong said...

I like it!!! Texan's train on the surface of the sun :-)

Shelley said...

Plthhhhhh...you 'mericans..always braggin and shootin your mouths off...I think you have it wrong dawg..it's like this.

-500F (-295c)

-Hell freezes over

-Greyhound beats Kona Shelley...hee hee

Bill said...

Air Assault!

At least pick someone harder than the Canadians. We'd like a challenge.


Iron Pol said...

My granddad went through one heat wave where the local paper put in some funny "It's so hot" comments.

One has stayed with me all these years...

It's so hot that M&Ms don't melt in your mouth, they melt in the bag.

I imagine at that point, Texans take off their ski gloves.

Iron Benny said...

That was one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I laughed outloud the entire time I read it. And if you know me, it takes a lot to make me laugh outloud. Keep hopin' buddy.

Curly Su said...

i'll be crossing my fingers for you...

freaking hilarious post, by the way...

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

Ok, greyhound. You're starting to scare me.

You know I'm coming over there for BSLT also, yes?


While I live in a high desert, it's not hot here yet. My heat training? Not so much.

I'm worried I'll melt in Lubbock.


On the plus side? Yeah, I'll be stealing your O2!

Di aka "Mrs Bigun" said...

Great post! I remember those TX temps - they are fried into my braiin for all eternity. The humidity is what makes it so freakin' HOT.

TriJack said...


No Wetsuit Girl... overseas! said...

I met this Canadian who said he took a road trip with his family to the states when he was little. When they crossed the border they thought there was something wrong with their car because of our "rugged" American road surfaces made noises they'd never heard before Canada where socialism repaves roads every 2 months. So you just remind this Gaudy Goddess of the North not to be too sure of herself, because she's not going to be biking on the glassy smooth road surfaces of her homeland when she's in the Lone Star State! Does she REALIZE how much that can affect someone's finishing time?

Shelley said...

"Canada where socialism repaves roads every 2 months"

That's got to be THE most hilarious thing i've heard all day..if not all week..no..all YEAR long... I wish..obviously you have never been to our awful roads in Canada...what a joke!!!

ironjenny said...

Gosh you two are hiilarious!

Nytro said...

you accomplished the impossible. at 85 degrees, you made benny laugh.