Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Ladies and Gentlemen--Place Your Bets Please

We are less than a week from SOMA, and it is time for all readers, commenters and lurkers alike, to come out of the woodwork and take sides in the most epic battle of the sexes in triathlon history. Um . . . . yeah.
Place your bets in support of the racer and the medical charity for which they are racing.
Notwithstanding Nytro's willingness to sink to the level of black magic, voodoo dolls, stabbing me in the neck, and . . . um . . . like working out and stuff, I think I still have it in my carcass to go sub-Nytro for twice the distance she races. I am estimating that if I go under 6 hours, I've got her beaten. That is the bet. Can an injured, 40 year old chiuaua class male who is tapering in Las Vegas finish in less than twice the time of a healthy, athletic, strapping, really really tall, and did I say strapping, big and strong, strapping, enourmous, very very large 29 year old female jock and all-around hawt biker chick? Will she fold under the glare of a triathlon spotlight even more intense than what Michellie Jones and Norman Stadler experienced? Will I be able to complete the swim after Nytro rips my arms off and the 70 year old females starting 3 minutes behind me pummel me into submission like ao many granny dominatrixes (dominatrixi? dominatrixae?) ?
Again, this is for charity (and all in fun). I am racing for the Lone Star Chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, and you will know me by the lone star Texas Flag on my racing kit and on my black cycling socks. (Don't Mess with Texas, Baby). This is actually a personal cause for both families involved in this event. Both Benny and I have family members who have the condition--in my family it is Mrs. Greyhound.
I have two Ben Franklins that I will donate to the MS Society if I win, and will likewise donate to Nytro's charity of choice, the MSUD Foundation, if I am unable to beat her after having been attacked by her partisans on the course. (Read more about MSUD here.) If you bet on Nytro and lose (and you will lose), you can pay the bet, in any amount no matter how small, to the MS Foundation here, in support of my MS150 fundraising effort. If you bet on me and I win, I'll make another donation to the MS foundation on behalf of each person who supported my race.
I forgot and left this out in the original post. People who pick the winning side will also receive autographed Greyhound and Nytro Schwag, and if you guess closest to our finishing times you wil receive other, unannounced prizes suitable to a Scientific Wild Ass Guess (SWAG).
Bolder wanted course info, which you can find here. Think flat and fast.
So basically, everyone wins . . . except for Nytro. Getting whipped by a middle aged, injured office worker after once performing on the level of a scholarship athlete? Signs of the appocalypse! Twilight of the Gods!


21st Century Mom said...

It's a very tough call but I'm staying neutral except to say that I will donate the the cause of the winner - and probably to the other cause, as well.

So sorry that Mrs. Greyhound has MS. Degenerative diseases are just cruel but thanks to money and research MS has better treatment options now that it ever has before. I hope her treatment protocol is keeping her stable and relatively healthy.

One more thing, young man. You must never, ever refer to a woman as 'very large'. Not in this society. I know you mean well but take it from me when I say there isn't a woman alive who really wants to be known as 'very large' and Nytro doesn't even qualify. Rosanne Barr is very large. The woman with the crazy makeup and stupid wardrobe on the Drew Carrie show is very large. Nytro is not very large but she is awesome.
Good luck - you're going to need it!

Wendy said...

Greyhound, I'll delurk to place a bet on you -- the equivalent cost of the largest (albeit not friction free) fowl I can find in my local grocery store on Sunday.

But if you don't win, I'll happily send it to Nytro!

greyhound said...

Don't worry, 21st Mom. My banter is all part of the devious plan to throw Nytro into a towering rage so she loses focus on race day. Psychological warfare.

Anonymous said...

I have twenty bucks on Greyhound. one of my best friends has MS and so I hope you win!

Iron Pol said...

Nytro has a wall of people lining up behind her. An aunt of mine has battled MS for the last two decades. I'll dig up a $20 somewhere and put it on you.

21st Century Mom said...

I've not pledged to Nytro for the win (although I'm still funding both of your causes) but that's because I had a way to calculate her time. I can't find your race reports with number. Do you have some?

Nytro said...

okay, let's get a couple of things straight:

1- you are not the only one in this bet that has to sit on your butt in an office all day.

2- until you start getting the night sweats, i don't wanna hear about your poor little neck.

3- "performing on the level of a scholarship athlete"... you know that kickers in football are considered scholarship athlete's, right? just want to clear up the air on just how "prestigious" my career as a former highly conditioned athlete really was.

and, IP, people are lining up behind me because:

1- they feel bad about the fact that a 29-year-old is going through what can only be described as a sick, twisted game of hormone roulette.

2- my cat pees on the carpet every freaking day and it's really amazing i have time to train considering how much cat piss i have to clean up.

3- well, you've seen my ass.

end of story.

TriBoomer said...

OK, here's my scandal...

I have $100 for both of your charities just for making it to the starting line. There's an extra $100 for the charity of the winner.

May the best Athena-spherical-hurling-frictionless-chicken-hound (...whew...) win.

Stay tuned...

Iron Pol said...

Man, Nytro almost made it to mud-slinging. But not quite. I was looking for some good, old-fashioned, "gonna stomp your monkey butt" throwin' down.

And no using cat's as an excuse. Unless Grey gets to use kids as an excuse. (Though his surely don't do THAT, any more)

mishele k said...

You made me do it, so I guess I have to, um, go Greyhound?

I guess I have to support you since I've actually MET you and you've tolerated my slug bike pace for hours on end. Besides, I don't want you blacklisting me from my future career over this, eh? ;-)

But for the record if this a beauty contest, you lose by a loooooong shot.