Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Miki i Ja (Miki and Me)

I cannot predict the future. Normally. But I know something for certain. Tomorrow, I am going hurt. My quads will hurt. My chest will hurt. My abs will hurt. My back will hurt. Why? Because today I met

MIKI.

“Awwwwwww,” you say. “How cute. Who is she? What breed? Pomeranian? Shitzu?”

No, MIKI is Serbian. HE is married to a former pro triathlete and swim coach. It is said he used to train the Spetsnaz. I, for one, believe it.

MIKI tested my VO2 max. MIKI tested my percentage body fat. MIKI tested my upper body endurance. MIKI tested core endurance. MIKI tested max bench press. MIKI tested max leg press. Miki tested how many pullups, dips and pushups I could do until exhaustion. The body fat calipers kind of tickled. Nothing else did.

MIKI is super qualified and very nice, but he talks like that big Russian Rocky had to fight in Rocky IV. Get used to his voice, because you will hear him regularly on the blog. He has accepted the mission to create Greyhound 2.0--citius, altius, fortius. In MIKI’s words:

(**begin Eastern European accent**)

“Vee test, und see your veekneesses, yesss? . . . .Then, I make plan. Not just triathlon plan. I make special.

“Test show you need powah. Vee make powah.

“You need . . . muhskoolah . . . endoorahnce . . . Vee make muhskoolah endoorahnce.

“Upper bahdeee endoorahnce . . . ees (shrug) pretty goooot.

“Max pull ups, und dips . . . ees not too goooooot. With short bahdee, und light veyt, should be much more.

“Vee check dee V-O-too maxeemum . . . ees (shrug) OK. Vee make bettah.

“Yore bahdee fat. 9%. Eees Excellent . . . .”

(I smile)

“BAHT, . . . . ees NOT . . . COM-PET-IT-TIVE.

(I cease smiling)

“Vee make you . . . TOTAL . . . ATHLETE.”

We begin 0500 this Friday. This is gonna leave a mark.

16 comments:

Nytro said...

9% body fat? yea, you and i are never allowed to eat. the peice of chicken i ate last night was 10% body fat.

eeessss possseeebull that i'm exaggerating... you neveh no.

Jessi said...

AWESOME. I love this kinda stuff. I can already hear "Eye of the tiger" playing in the background... Cue the video montage and let the transformation begin! (Although I have to second Nytro - if I was starting a transformation at 9% body fat... well, I wouldn't. If I had 9% body fat the only thing I'd change is what I wore - instead of jeans and t-shirts it would be all bikinis, all the time.)

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

9% is fine...if you're the Tri Greyhound.

Dang - I hope he leaves your fingers intact, you know, so you can still leave us reports. And stuff.

Shelley said...

Whoaaaaaaa, this sounds interesting...9% body fat?? Wow!! Keep us posted on your progress.

Flatman said...

Bastard. 9% body fat? I'm with Jessi...I would just walk around in my speedo all day.

Good luck with the plan and keep us posted, no matter how much it hurts!

:)

Anonymous said...

This is obviously the best thing i ever did for you!

greyhound said...

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the blogosphere, anonymous, a/k/a Maria Gratia--my good friend and former personal trainer who hand-picked MIKI for me, and who is the hardest working woman in fitness.

Nytro said...

sounds like the votes have been cast, greyhound. with 9% body fat, you must walk around in a bikini all the time. and then post pics. it's the only way your 9% body fattedness is going to be allowed to hang out with the decidedly NOT 9% body fattedness Nytro and IronBenny... and apparently Jessi and Flatman... and well, EVERYONE ELSE IN BLOGLAND.

i vote for a teeny, weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini (you're glad i put in the yellow polka-dot bikini part, aren't you?)

and now that i've lowered myself to bolder standards.... i'm outta here.

Brent Buckner said...

What a fabulous start to a new season!

TTUTri said...

HA! I have this mental image of Arnold holding you up by the collar at arms length looking you over.

Mojo said...

Funny! Took me awhile to translate the Miki speak.

I'm scared for you, 9% body and he's still not happy? Shoot, 9% would be heaven to me! I can't seem to get lower than 14%.

Then, I read the first comment, from Nytro about chicken. I just asked my husband to go buy a bucket of KFC, extra crisy, ectra tasty. I need a Miki.

stronger said...

I had to read it outloud to get the full effect. 9% IS excellent..but not competitive? Crazy.

Comm's said...

having someone to work with yoru accountablity, motivation and education is so important. Good job.

Carrie said...

It's a shame I'll never get to meet the TriGreyhound because it sounds like he's about to turn into the TriPitBull...Go Get 'em Rocky..."Yo Adrian, check out my 9% body fat!"

Bolder said...

you veel owhn treeple bypass.

owhn eet.

awesome post dude! can't wait too see, um, scratch that, read about the mark.

TriBoomer said...

Boris: "Natasha, first vee geet squirrel andt moose den vee geet Trigh Grey'ound... andt vee rule da vorld!"

Natasha: "Boris dahling... can't ve see him in yellow bikini Speedo first andt den rule da vorld?"

Bullwinkle: "Hey Rocky I think that Boris guy's got 109% body fat in the head!"