120db of Cyclist Rights Luciousness

I can't wait until Thursday, because the Wells Fargo Wagon (or FedEx or UPS) is gonna bring me sumpin' special. I was reading the comments on a cycling blog where someone had experienced a near miss and an annoying honking motorist, and one of the contributors turned me on to this little number:
It is a 120db air horn for your bike with a reservoir that recharges to 80psi by just using your bike pump. I'm sure i's highest and best use is warning a motorist who is about to pull out in front of you or right hook you. Supposedly you can blast it 50 to 80 times before pumping it up, and it is loud enough to be heard inside a car with the windows rolled up and rattling to Eminem.

Beyond this noble purpose, however, I'm also thinking it is a fitting response to the red neck who gives you the "git off'n the road, fag" message with the horn on his pick'em up truck. Now you can honk back and say:

"Hey, Clem or Jed or Rick Perry or whatever your name is, you toothless, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging waste of carbon. I've got one too!

"AND MINE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS."

**snicker**

But I'm not bitter. I'll let you know how it works when it gets here and I get it installed.

Super Cop

Today I experienced the antidote to Officer McBreakfast Taco.

I was riding my normal training route in and through the Woodlands and was proceeding along a side street with plenty of room for both car and cyclist. I was politely and safely passed by three cars/SUVS in a row. Maybe it was the ginourmously visible yellow, safe passing jersey:



Or maybe it was the blinky light that can be seen from space.



But apparently, this was not enough for a dumb sh*t motorist that I will call "Frat Boy"--you know the type--20 something, hipster side burns, too sexy for my baseball cap/God's-gift-to-babes self-image, and get-off-the-road and ride-on-the-sidewalk-faggot attitude.

Frat Boy, in his black Nissan, four cylinder-fake-sports-car with his nicotine habbit, tried to force me out of the lane and squeeze by to get to the upcoming traffic light. And this right after three other cars had passed properly and given me nearly the whole lane. Bad move, Frat Boy, because see, you have to stop at the traffic light, and I'm going to give you an unwanted education on the traffic laws. I've got sweatshirts older than you, Sparky. And if you want to go, you'll wind up in jail and bankrupt, because that's how it works when you go with the legal beagle. And if you're rude, you're also going to get a piece of my mind. And because today is today, I've got another surprise for you. (You'll see).

Of course, he was rude. Of course, he told me to "get out of the road." (Any of this sounding familiar?) Of course, he let go some F-bombs and called me a faggot. I asked Frat Boy if he'd like to discuss this with a police officer right then and there. He (having quickly run through his limited vocabulary) told me to F off, and get the F out of his way and get my hand off his f-ing car because I was a faggot, blah blah blah.

But Frat Boy miscalculated, and I was so emboldened because I was thinking ahead. You see, all those cyclists in the Woodlands today were doing a triathlon. (Not me, I was just training). And that meant nearly every intersection was blinking red with one lane blocked off and a line of cars waiting to get through an intersection controlled by at least three police officers. So, while Frat Boy waited in the line of cars (evil laugh here), I biked 400 yards up the shoulder to the next group of police officers, told the officer in charge that there was a motorist in the line who needed an education on the traffic laws and maybe a ticket as well because he had tried to squeeze me out of the lane with his automobile and then threatened me.

And I was standing there with my new-found friends in law enforcement (wearing my "I'ts the Law" jersey) as Frat Boy approached the intersection. And I identified his sorry a$$ for the four officers controlling traffic. And he saw me identify his sorry a$$. And I watched as the officers directing traffic ordered Frat Boy to turn into the parking lot where they intended to have a little talk about what the law requires and how grownups are required to behave when they are behind the wheel of a deadly weapon.

Go ahead, Frat Boy.

Make. My. Day.


***After Action Report***

Things I wish I had done:

1. Should have photographed his license plate and his face. I carry a camera for just such a purpose. The first thought should be to go for the camera and the cell phone. Bullies are cowards when they've been called out of their vehicles and identified.

2. I wish I had brought my laminated copy of the traffic laws to toss in his open window as I spit on his car and rode away to taunt him into trying to attack me in front of the officers so they'd put him in jail.

OK, that's not exactly true, but it's a nice fantasy.

The Continuing Saga . . .

I've received several inquiries along the lines of "what ever happened in your cage match with Officer McBreakfast Taco. Those of you who are new to the blog can follow the link to get the details about how a Deputy Constable tried to bully me off the road, and when I stood my ground and later complained to his superiors, backdated a ticket which I beat in court.

Since my last letter outlining what the Texas Transportation Code requires concerning the rights of cyclists, I received a form letter reply, this time signed by the actual, elected constable. It said:

Dear Mr. {Real Lawyer Name}:

Our department is in receipt of your letter dated December 22, 2008. The policy of this department is that all deputies handle citizens in a respectful and courteous manner. We appreciate your concerns regarding this issue.

Sincerely,
David Hill
Constable Pct. 5 Montgomery County

While I am sure they "appreciate" my concerns, I'm not sure they believe them. Nor do they "appreciate" that what I'm really concerned about is having the law properly enforced.

Soooooo . . . one more letter on my scary lawyer letterhead, this time insisting upon a face to face meeting with the elected constable himself:

Dear Constable Hill:

I am in receipt of the attached letter in reference to the incident on April 19 in which Deputy Constable Williams, himself in violation of the law, tried to bully me off the road. He maintained that cyclists were to remain out of the active traffic lane of FM 149, and later backdated a ticket to that effect. The D.A. properly dismissed the ticket.

In your letter, you maintain that “[t]he policy of this department is that all deputies handle citizens in a respectful and courteous manner.” Nowhere, however, in all the correspondence regarding this matter, has your office stated whether it is the policy of the department to protect cyclists’ rights under the Transportation Code to use the roads as all other vehicles. Nor has there been any commitment to train Deputy Williams and his colleagues concerning what the law requires.

I therefore request a meeting at your earliest possible convenience to ask you in person what the policy of the department is to be. Are cyclists to expect that the traffic laws will be enforced as written? What is the policy of the department to be concerning officers who fail or refuse to conform to the law? I will be calling to confirm this request when I receive indication that my letter has been received.

Very Truly Yours:

{Real Lawyer Name}


I will get my meeting. When I do, one of two things will happen. If things go well, I will be sweetness and light and offer to light a candle rather than curse the darkness. I just want officers to know how bikes are supposed to use the road. I am even willing to create and conduct, on my own time, training for law enforcement officers concerning what it's like to ride on the roads and what the laws actually require of motorists and police officer.

If things do not go well, then those of you in the peanut gallery who are lawyers already know the implications of "policy" type language in a demand letter.

I hope things go well. I am ready for this to be done.

It Ain't Over . . .

Those of you who have been here awhile will recall back in April when a so-called law enforcement officer tried to bully me off the road. I stood my ground, complained to his superior, kept insisting on a proper response, received a back-dated ticket, got picked up in some papers and blogs, and beat the ticket in court.

But still, the officer is just as ignorant of the traffic laws and the rights of cyclists today as he was in April. Even more, he's suffered no adverse consequence, even to his pride, as a result of some abominable behavior. Anyone but a lawyer might have been too frightened of the system to do anything about it, and he'll doubtless keep on acting like an ass unless there is a price to be paid.

So, I have long intended to write the department and the officers involved another letter as a prelude to deciding whether to seek some type of sanction. But we had that whole "hurricane," natural disaster thingy, so I it seemed only sporting to let them deal with important stuff like that.

But now, just in time for the holidays, I got my final letter out. Set out on my law firm letterhead, it reads:

Constable Hill, Chief Deputy Constable Wood, and Deputy Constable Williams:

In the event you do not yet know, the District Attorney dismissed the traffic citation that Deputy Williams improperly backdated to April 19, as there was no legal basis for the citation nor for the manner in which Deputy Constable Williams acted on April 19.

On April 19, Deputy Williams executed an unsafe pass, intentionally tried to intimidate me with his vehicle, cut me off and then stopped in front of me, based upon his demand that I ride on the shoulder of FM149. Under Texas law, however, a cyclist is never required to ride on the shoulder, let alone the uneven two foot shoulder that exists on FM149. On the contrary, a cyclist is entitled to use the roadways, just like any other vehicle, unless some provision of the Transportation Code alters that right. Tex. Transp. Code § 551.101. Here there is no such provision.

The provision on which Deputy Constable Williams relied in his backdated citation requires cyclists to ride as near as practicable to the right edge of the roadway. Tex. Transp. Code. § 551.103(a). “Roadway,” however, is a defined term in the Transportation Code, and it does not include “the berm or shoulder.” Tex. Transp. Code § 541.302. Thus, cyclists are entitled to use the Roadway—the lane in which motorized vehicles travel. They may also use the shoulder, but are not required to do so.

The law also provides that a cyclist may take the lane when (as here) it is less than 14 feet wide, or it is not safe to share the lane with a car. Tex. Transp. Code § 551.103(a)(4). The lanes on FM149 are only 11 feet wide; thus, the law I was charged with violating does not even apply.
When a cyclist takes the lane as he or she is entitled to do, it is the responsibility of automobile traffic, including constables in pickup trucks, to wait for safe clearance to pass. Deputy Constable Williams clearly did not do so.

Even assuming I had violated the law, there is no set of facts that could have made Deputy Williams’ conduct on April 19 appropriate. He intentionally used his vehicle as a direct threat to my safety, and he fully intended and hoped that he would frighten me. That is not a traffic stop; that is a felony. His abusive and bullying attitude after I stood my ground is likewise not the type of conduct civilized societies tolerate. A bully with a badge is still only a bully. Indeed, a police officer in New York City has recently been indicted for assaulting a cyclist on the roadway.

This is your final opportunity to do the right thing. The Constable’s Office and Deputy Williams will apologize in writing, without equivocation and commit to enforcing the traffic laws as I have set them out. If so, I will excuse the whole affair. Absent that, I will pursue whatever remedies I feel are appropriate for Deputy Williams’ actions. You have 30 days.

Very Truly Yours,

[Greyhound]

Frankly, I'm not holding my breath.

Trial Of The Century

Those of you keeping score at home will know what today is. Yes, it is September 3, the day in which I got my day in court on the fiasco where Officer McBreakfast Taco, aka Deputy Constable Williams of Montgomery County, Texas, tried to bully me off the road, and when I complained to his supervisor, saw fit to back date a ticket for failing to "git off the road."

Anyone of you who has seen me practice law would know that my anal retentive preparation knows no bounds. I have even been accused of filing a Motion For Summary Judgment from the bike course of Ironman Coeur d'Alene. This, of course is false, but totday, I was loaded for bear. I had my exhibits prepared. I had my copy of the Transportation Code. I had blown up pictures of the site of the road where he accosted me, and I had a blown up map showing the location of his house about a mile away from the spot of the violation.

I made short work of the violation, persuaded the prosecutor to dismiss the ticket altogether, and was done by 9:00. Because that's what kind of lawyer I am. I'm that good.

OK, it really did not have anything to do with my ability. It was only because I was a lawyer at all. Since I had on my best lawyer suit and bow tie, I got to take a seat in front of the bar instead of standing around the wall with the rest of the (alleged) criminals. Then, the bailiff (the one with the gun) instructed me to cut in line (because you're a lawyer) and check in with the clerk and tell her who my client was--er, me. Then, the prosecutor called on me and met with me first, because I'm a lawyer and had on my fancy suit. Meanwhile, the rest of the citizen taxpayers looked on with a degree of jealous loathing that made me glad they had all been wanded and run through a metal detector before coming into the courtroom.

I know. It totally sucks for the rest of the folks who also have jobs and schedules. But, membership has its privileges.

Anyway, it wasn't really lawyering skill that achieved the dismissal. The only "skill" involved was being an attorney with 14 years experience knowing that it costs nothing to be nice, even if you feel like being a hot head. I walked into the conference room with the prosecutor, smiled, shook her hand, introduced myself and my case.

She knew me immediately.

I had called the prosecutor a couple of weeks ago, and left a polite message, explaining my particular case, and encouraging her to look into it, as I intended to try it unless it was dismissed--something they almost never do. She did look into it. Because of the polite heads up, she knew my case from the hundreds in her file (only one involving a bicycle no doubt), said they had taken pictures of the road where I was cited, and proceeded to dismiss it because it was too narrow for the statute I "violated" to even apply. (A cyclist is entiteld to "take the lane" when it is less than 14 feet wide in Texas. This one had an 11 foot lane and an uneven 2 foot shoulder).

So, we talked a bit about local cycling clubs because she is interested getting more into cycling. I told her about the Woodlands Cycling Club and the fact that the head DA, her boss, is actually a member. After our friendly visit, I shook her hand as an honored colleague, and walked out of there at 8:57.

Then a nice lady tried to hire me in the parking lot. True story.

So, Greyhound 1, Deputy Constable Williams 0. But my point has not yet been made.

In all probability, Constable Williams never intended to show for trial anyway. And his boss, who was willing to whitewash his conduct and issue a citation for a roadway where the statute does not even apply, is still in office at the pleasure of the local voters. And neither of them knows anything more about the rights of cyclists now than they did before. So, is it over?

Nope. It is on.

Constable Williams and the Chief Deputy who had his back get another letter, and another chance to apologize. If they do, then we're all friends again.

If they do not, they will be thrown into the displinary system for bad law enforcement officers, and (still thinking on this one) perhaps a criminal complaint as well, because of the manner in which Constable Williams endangered me with his pickup truck. I'd be in jail if I had done it to him. Only fair that he should have to clear his name and have a criminal complaint on his record.

And one more thing. Every time a deputy constable gets a raise, it has to be posted on the agenda for the county administrative hearing. Those agendas are public record and are searchable online. Who knows who might show up to object and question the good officer next time Constable Williams' merit comes up for discussion?

This will go easier if he just says, "I was wrong. I'm sorry." What are the odds his pride allows him to do it?

Get Up, Stand Up

Just a quick update on the traffic law Mensa candidate from Montgomery County and the post-dated traffic ticket. I now have pretrial setting on September 3, 2009 and I have managed to get the case transferred from Precinct 5 where Officer Williams works to Precinct 1 where the supposed violation took place. We'll see if the prosecutor actually wants to try this case. If so, we'll go. If not, the next step will be pressing charges against the officer and throwing him into the disciplinary system for bad law enforcement. If I had done to him what he did to me, I would still be in jail.

Alas, Officer Williams isn't the only Mensa candidate among the rank and file of Texas law enforcement. I was recently interviewed by the local paper along with another cyclist who actually was harassed and received a ticket from a rural sheriff while competing in the Texas Time Trial Championships. Check it out.

Imagine that Roscoe P. Coltrane pulls you over during the bike leg of your next triathlon. Unbelievable.

****Breaking News Update****

The story has now been picked up by one of my favorite cycling blogs. Check it out here.

Officer McBreakfast Taco: Game On!

Several of you have written me to the effect of "whatever happened with that constable who harassed you in Montgomery County?" Well, just about the time you conclude that you're getting the silent treatment in response to your latest letter, the other side makes a mistake.

Yesterday, I received in the mail the citation that Officer McBreakfast Taco was too chicken to write at the time of the incident, backdated to April 19. As it turns out, Officer McBreakfast Taco is Deputy Constable M. Williams (full name to come when I know it), Badge Number 5440, with precinct number 5 of the Montgomery County Constable's office. So, Deputy M. Williams wants to drop gloves in a court room, does he?

Game.
On.

Now we get to play on my field.

A letter to the good deputy and all his bosses went out this morning stating:

Chief Deputy Wood:

I was disappointed, although not surprised, when only yesterday I received your letter dated July 9, 2008. Given its contents, I can only conclude that your office is not prepared to take seriously my initial complaint about a deputy that (1) neither knew nor accurately enforced the Texas Transportation Code; and (2) physically endangered a cyclist through his abusive conduct. To wit:

· Your choice to backdate a non-existent citation for a non-existent violation, the facts of which are not only demonstrably inaccurate, but also physically impossible; and

· Your choice not to address Deputy Williams’ conduct, which was completely out of line, even if the violation had occurred.

This is one instance in which your department cannot shield itself or its deputies from criticism by attempting to characterize this incident as a groundless complaint by someone in violation of the law. Not only was I within the law, my complaint against Deputy Williams is valid even if I was not. Indeed, a motorist in Los Angeles is facing felony charges for doing essentially what Deputy Williams did and injuring two cyclists. (See Enclosure).

As a result, you can be assured that I will appear before Judge Masden, where Deputy Williams will have to justify his conduct. Likewise, since the department was unwilling to address the conduct of its deputies in a collaborative and informal fashion, I will file and pursue a formal, disciplinary complaint against Deputy Williams to the fullest extent possible. Having found the performance of this precinct’s constable unsatisfactory in its enforcement of the laws for the protection of cyclists, I will likewise be working along with the Texas Bicycle Coalition and local cycling groups for Constable Hill’s defeat at the ballot box.

I remain open to addressing this situation in a more constructive fashion, but given your letter, I am not optimistic that the department will choose to do so.

Very truly yours,

Real Lawyer Name

cc: (Deputy M. Williams and Constable Hill)

As I referenced in my letter, the Precinct 5 Constable, an elected official, is named David Hill, and his Chief Deputy is David Wood. Their office addresses are:

31350 Friendship Drive
Magnolia, TX 77355

and

31350 Industrial Lane
Magnolia, Texas 77355

Their office phone numbers are:

281-356-3883
or
936-539-7807

So, uhm, yeah. If you're a cyclist that is just looking to exercise your rights under the First Amendment, you might drop this elected official and his underlings a little note about the manner in which law enforcement fails to protect cyclists, especially at the expense of protecting their own. Be polite, use your own words, but make it clear that:

1. Cyclists are vehicles under the transportation code.
2. Cyclists have the right to the road, and are not required under the Transportation Code to ride on a dangerous shoulder or near the edge when it is dangerous to do so.
3. Cyclists have are entitled to expect law enforcement to protect their rights to the road.
4. There is no place for an officer to endanger a cyclist, no matter how the officer believes that cyclist ought to be riding.


The case is assigned to a JP judge, the court contact information of which I will post if and when I think it would be helpful. Although I am quite confident that neither the baby DA nor officer McBreakffff----, . .. er, Williams has ever seen cross examination in connection with a traffic ticket quite as thorough as I have planned, I have no expectation of actually winning the traffic case unless this JP Judge is very brave indeed. There is always a tendency of the courts to believe law enforcement. The court is in the same building as the Constable's office, for crying out loud. That said, win or lose, I will make my point, and I will make them regret their actions.

Blogger Down

Peeps. You need to go here and give Jane your best wishes. She was hit by a car while riding her bike, and now her Ironman Austria dreams are in limbo.

Jane is a remarkable story of personal change--going from sedentary to MS150 to half-iron triathlon in one year, and doggedly training through difficult times for an Ironman this year.

Give her your love, and hey, let's be careful out there.

Update--Officer McBreakfast Taco

So, to keep you updated on the ongoing saga of Officer McBreakfast Taco who tried to intimidate me off the roads on my training route, I received a response to my letter to his boss the constable. Chief Deputy Constable David Wood wrote me and said:

Dear Mr. [Real Lawyer Name]:

This department received you certified letter, dated May 7, 2008 on May 8, 2008.
Thank you for reporting the incident that occurred on FM-149, April 19, 2008. Our department will investigate this matter and take whatever action we think necessary.
Should we be of any assistance to you int he future please do not hesitate to call (281-356-3883).
Thanks again for calling this issue to our attention.

Very truly yours,
Chief Deputy David Wood
* * * * *

If the letter is sincere, then great. They're investigating and they will act. However, knowing the manner in which Texas law enforcement prioritizes the rights of cyclists (i.e., it doesn't) I am not taking for granted that a proper investigation will be completed or proper changes will be made to departmental policies.

So, I wrote another letter, to stay at the very top of their to do list and to keep my agenda driving the train:

Chief Deputy David Wood
Office of Montgomery County Constable, Pct. 5
31350 Friendship Drive
Magnolia, TX 77355

Re: Deputy Constable Harassing Cyclists, April 19, 2008 on FM-149

Chief Deputy Wood:

Thank you for your letter dated May 14, 2008 concerning the above-referenced incident and the decision to investigate it. I will be expecting to hear in the very near future concerning what is being learned in the investigation, what if any conclusions the department reaches, and what if anything the department intends to do.

I trust, for example, that the deputy in question has already been identified by this point. As such, I would expect (as I referenced in my first letter) to be informed of the deputy’s identity as soon as it is known. If it is not yet known, please inform me what if anything has been done to determine it and what information I could provide to assist that inquiry.

Please respond at the earliest opportunity with this information. If there is an investigator that I should contact directly, please include that in your response.

As you referenced in your letter, the Constable’s office may well “take whatever action [it] think[s] necessary” as a result of the investigation, but I alone will determine whether the investigation and its outcome are adequate. I will likewise take the appropriate actions if they are not.

Very truly yours,

[Real Lawyer Name]


cc: David Hill
Montgomery County Constable, Pct. 5
31350 Friendship Drive
Magnolia, TX 77355

* * * * *

We'll see what happens. I'm not going away, and I'm obviously not going to stop riding.

Update on Officer McBreakfast Taco

By way of a quick update on my run-in with the bully who works for the Montgomery County Constable, Montgomery County has five precincts, each managed by an elected official bearing the title "constable." I have now discovered that Officer McBreakfast Taco does not work in Precinct One where I was riding, but rather works for the constable of Precinct Five--i.e., he was not even in his jurisdiction when he took it upon himself to be a complete ass.

So, David Hill, the elected constable in precinct five, will receive today a registered letter on my law firm stationary. The letter states:

Constable Hill:

I am a cyclist who trains in Montgomery and Grimes Counties nearly every weekend. I am writing to you because, on April 19, 2008, at about 10:00 in the morning, I was harassed and assaulted by one of your deputies. His conduct was completely out of line, and I will describe it now.

I was approximately 4 miles west of Montgomery on FM149 (in Precinct 1), heading east and riding legally in all respects. A pickup truck passed me very close and honked, as many motorists do when they are trying to harass cyclists. This motorist, however, was one of your deputy constables in a reddish maroon pickup with gold lettering on the back.

Startled, I shouted as I usually do when a motorist puts me at risk. Your officer then slammed on his brakes and intentionally cut me off with his vehicle, swerving across my path and the minimal shoulder, forcing me to brake sharply. The officer later accused me of riding half way to the center of the road, but this is a complete falsehood generated in an attempt to justify his conduct. My bicycle was positioned between the right tire mark of any passing cars and the white stripe at the side of the road. The shoulder at that point is not suitable for riding. More to the point, his conduct is unjustifiable even if I had been riding on the centerline of the road.

At this point he would neither move his vehicle nor exit his cab, but contented himself with shouting unintelligibly at me from inside the vehicle. I could neither hear what he said nor proceed down the road, so I approached the cab. When I arrived he proceeded to yell at me to the effect that I was not permitted on the road and was required to ride to the right of the white line at all times.

I calmed myself down, assured the officer that I was not trying to pick a fight with him, but that he was just dead wrong. Bicycles are vehicles, and they are permitted to use the farm to market roads. I was riding properly and as far to the right as was reasonably safe to do so. I told him that if he believed I was wrong, he should just proceed to give me a ticket rather than argue and we would allow the court to decide.

He apparently did not have the courage of his convictions or simply wanted to bully me further rather than do his job. He would not give me a ticket, preferring instead to keep shouting at me to stay off the road or I would be ticketed. I responded that I was allowed to be on the road, that I would continue riding as I had been, and if he believed I was wrong, he should simply ticket me and get on with it. He eventually just drove off.

It is completely intolerable if cyclists cannot rely upon the protection of law enforcement. For that reason, I am not willing to consider this as just another example of an ignorant motorist from whom we should not expect much better. We can expect better, indeed much better, from people sworn to uphold the law and protect the citizenry.

Thus, my demands are simple:

1. The officer will be identified by name for me.

2. The officer will have a formal complaint placed in his personnel record.

3. The officer will attend bicycle patrol training for police officers.

4. The officer will be trained in the actual rights of cyclists.

5. You will certify to me what training program has been completed.

6. The officer will issue a written apology addressed to me admitting his error, in return for which I will provide the officer and anyone else concerned with a full release.

I have no interest in either litigation or in recompense, only that law enforcement behave professionally and properly enforce the law. Neither occurred here. I am ready and willing to constructively cooperate in crafting a resolution here. That said, any amount of foot dragging or lack of engagement will not be accepted. If I sense any hesitation to cooperate, I will instantly pursue formal discipline against the officer before the appropriate authorities, and I have not ruled out filing a felony complaint against the officer. It certainly would have been considered a felony had our roles been reversed.

I expect confirmation that you have received this communication at the earliest possible opportunity, and you should feel free to contact me at any time for the purpose of investigating or resolving this incident.

Very truly yours,

[Real Lawyer Name]

---

We'll see what happens. I expect, at least initially, not much. At that point, there is the Freedom of Information Act to get the information that I want. After that, information is power.

I Fought The Law . . .

. . . and I won. So far. Sit back. It's quite a ride.

****PARENTAL ADVISORY*****

**The events that follow are absolutely true. As a result they are not pure. There is some foul language, and I am not acting like the nicest nor even the wisest person. I hope I did not set back cyclists rights in the process, but in my defense I was pissed and my reactions were completely authentic, which is all any of us can be.**

I think my personality must have been poisoned somewhere along the way. Maybe it was the ink in the m-dot tattoo or something snapped after being harassed one too many times by ignoramuses behind the wheels of cars, but in the words of that immortal poet, Sheryl Crow:

I ain't takin' sh*t off no one,

baby, that was yesterday.

Motorists who cross the line and try to bully you off the road are just bullies. And the thing to do with a bully, in my view, is confront them. Today, I met a bully with a badge and a gun, and I confronted him, and I backed him the hell down.

I was riding one of my customary Montgomery County routes, southbound on FM149 from Richards towards Montgomery, about 4 miles outside of town. There is only a narrow shoulder at that point that is not truly suitable for riding, so I was positioned between the right tire tread mark and the white line at the side of the road when a pickup passed me intentionally too close and honked like motorists do when they are trying to harass and endanger cyclists. I instictively let fly an f-bomb and shouted a comment on his ancestry and preferred, maternal sexual partner.

The pickup, however, was a constable. But he did not act like a constable is supposed to act.

He slammed on his brakes and pulled across my path, including the minimal shoulder on the side of the road. I grabbed my brakes, skidded, and managed to stop without injury. Even if I had been riding the center line buck naked, smoking pot, burning an American Flag and pissing on the Texas Constitution, there was no call for that.

Having been placed at risk of my life for no good reason, and by someone who is sworn to protect me (and knowing full well that I would be in jail on a felony charge had I done the same to him) I exercised my Constitutional rights under the 1st and 14th Amendments to the United States Constitutions to comment upon the conduct of governmental officials.

"HAVE YOU GOT A FUCKIN' PROBLEM??!!"

**See generally Cohen v. California, 403 U.S. 15 (1971) (defendant's conviction for disorderly conduct for wearing shirt that said "fuck the draft" held unconstitutional abridgment of his rights to free speech).

Whereupon, this exchange occurred, as best I can recall it:

**indecipherable shouting from the cab of the constable's pickup**

I move up to the door and open window: "WHAT??!!""

Constable Shouting: "Don't you 'WHAT' me, you understand me?"

Me: "WHAT??!!" (Because I cannot freekin' believe what I'm hearing, because I take lectures from no man, and because I'm just pissed)

Constable Shouting: "Don't you 'WHAT' me, YOU HEAR ME??!!"

Me: "Oh, I HEAR you"

Constable Shouting: Do you know the rules of the road?

Me: Yeah, I know 'em and I was exactly where I was supposed to be. You got a problem??

Constable: You're NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE ROAD. You're supposed to be on the right side of that white line as far to the right as possible.

Me: That's wrong. Bicycles are vehicles that are entitled to use the road. I was riding exactly where I am allowed to ride. If you think I am wrong just give me a ticket and we'll go talk to the judge about it and let him decide.

(Inside my head: Oh, no Briar Fox. Don't throw me in the courtroom. I'd hate to have to cross examine Officer McBreakfast Taco within an inch of his life with only a junior baby DA assigned to traffic court to protect him. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me a ticket. Better yet, arrest me. You're in my house now, asshole.).

**back and forth of disagreement ensues, whereupon I have calmed myself a bit but he keeps interrupting me because he is NOT going to be contradicted, especially by a cyclist. Bad combination, a bully and a know-it-all.**

Me: Look. Hold on. Just wait [attempted interruption]. I SAID wait. Look, I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. You're just dead wrong and you've got no cause to act this way or to be holding up traffic. Look, if you think I'm wrong just give me a ticket and be done with it.

Constable all defensive and shouting: I will. You git off the road or I'm gonna give you a ticket.

Me: Fine. Do it. I'll wait.

Constable: I will. I'll give you a ticket.

Me: Give me a ticket. (In my head: Sh*t or get off the pot, fatso)

Constable: Git off the road.

Me: I am entitled to be on the road and I will continue to ride exactly where I was riding.

Constable: Git off the road or I'll give you a ticket.

Me: do it.

**Officer eventually drives off in a huff, but all the cars behind him no doubt feel more empowered to pick on cyclists. **

I believe the officer was from Montgomery County, Precinct One. I have enough information that I can identify with officer. When I do, I will publish his name and badge number so local cyclists can beware. In the interim, be forewarned that he drives a reddish maroon pickup with gold lettering "Constable" on the tailgate. He is overweight (big surprise) possibly Latino, black hair, not close cropped, and mustache--sort of an 80s porn look. I have initiated a complaint with the Precinct One Constable and will keep you updated on how things proceed.

I'm not much of a rabble rouser, but if we can't count on law enforcement to protect us, we've got no shot against the Gomers in the pickup trucks. Here are the possibilities I am considering and I would be interested to know what you think should be done in the interest of "cyclists rights."

A. Identify the officer publicly

B. Demand that a complaint be placed in his personnel file

C. Demand that the officer take bike cop training and be schooled on the actual rules of the road. (He could use the education and the exercise by the look of it).

D. Demand a written apology from the officer.

E. File a formal disciplinary complaint.

F. File a felony complaint against the officer for aggravated assault.

Again, I would be in jail on aggravated assault charges right now if I had done that to him. Aggravation legally comes from using a deadly weapon, which in this case is a pickup. Even if the charge is dismissed because the DA doesn't want to get cross ways with the constable, he will have to explain it on every subsequent job application and attempted promotion.

So far, I have written to the Constable's office trying to be constructive and demanding A through D, but expressly holding out the possibility of E and F if there is foot dragging.

And I intend to ride that same road in the same manner wearing the same gear every weekend so he will recognize me.

Stupid bully. Give me a ticket, you coward.

Oh, and I road 94 miles, notwithstanding Officer McBreakfast Taco. Bring on Wildflower.