Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Does This Outfit Make Me Look Fat?

I think I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

OK, wait. That didn't come out right.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, let me explain.

No, let me sum up.

As you know, I haven't been feeling very iron-y lately, when I groan upon being asked to perform some physical chore around the house, I am often met with my wife's question:

"Are you an Ironman, or a noodleman?"

In fact, a better question is whether I'm a man at all. I'm beginning to wonder whether all this triathlon metrosexualness might have given me estrogen poisoning in the brain.

You see, when I look in the mirror, I don't see the non-reality that most men see. I don't imagine a life guard physique complete with a full head of hair, broad shoulders, washboard stomach, ripped abductors, tight buns, and awe-inspiring (*ahem*) "male definition." Indeed, I don't even see reality, a reasonably fit, 41-year-old man with a healthy body mass index who can run 13 miles in the heat without undue stress and who can easily swim a mile on a recovery day. Nope.
  • I only see the 8 pounds above my peak fitness weight that I imagine is all a gooey spare tire where my waist should be.
  • I only see the hair and the pasty whiteness of the middle aged office worker and crave a good wax.
  • I start to weigh myself all too frequently and rejoice in the difference between a fully hydrated 148.5 pounds and a dehydrated 147 pounds.
  • I wonder whether I need a food journal on fitday.
  • I wonder if the cake that I ate at the partner's lunch does not "count" because it was not recorded in the food journal.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't want testosterone poisoning, and along with it the risk of inappropriate Speedo moments or too-much-information-too-little-towel-modesty conduct in the locker room. That said, being a girl is too hard for me. I don't know how you do it. I'd like not to see an optical illusion of goo and fatness when I look in the mirror. How about a little reality, for me and all the rest of us, guys and girls?

Hopefully, I'm beginning to feel the end of the psycho triathlete guy-ness. The running is becoming lighter and faster and easier. The swimming is becoming enjoyable again. Unplug the scales and let's go play.

11 comments:

stronger said...

The illustration is classic.

You can't maintain race weight year round. Repeat after me, "I am a fit and healthy mofo"

Fe-lady said...

Better yet, throw that scale (and the mirror) away!

East when hungry, sleep when tired, and play when the moment strikes you!

21stCenturyMom said...

I read this post and thought, "Horray - I weigh less than Greyhound". Ser'sly I feel your pain.

Listen to FeLady - she knows stuff.

SixTwoThree said...

Um, I think you'd feel better if you cracked open a Heineken and watched some pre-season football. Or maybe a Heineken Light.

Don't worry, your testosterone will return to above normal when you have that court day with the stupid cop who harasses cyclists!

Jamie said...

Wait, don't throw away the scale just yet.

Just pack it away to bring it out once you are in peak form again.

No sense in measuring yourself up when you already know you are going to be disappointed.

Spokane Al said...

I suspect that I will not be passing on your "Ironman or Noodleman" comment to my wife.

KCWoodhead said...

I am RIGHT there with you. I tried to stop the gain just 1 month after AZ when it was 3-4 lbs. The result? I have gained 4 more! I'm 8 over as well and it is absolutely disgusting. At least you know you haven't been training tons. I'm running a freakin' marathon in 5 weeks!

triguyjt said...

when i look in the mirror, i see an older guy who works out alot but probably doesnt skip too many meals.....

this little lull happens about 3 times a year...
I never imagine I am speedo-ready but I just move past it....evvvvverrrrrrr sooooo slowwwwwllllllyyyyy..but I get past it.

good luck...
enjoy the cake...

Flatman said...

Did someone say cake???

CoachLiz said...

I blame it all on my food allergies. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

welcome to the girl's locker room ;-)

seriously - never weigh yourself. Especially during the off season. it's as bad as reading all about medical conditions on the internet - fruitless!

trust that you look awesome.